What Kind of Friends?

When we have friends we have expectations of loyalty and trust.  But, there comes times in our lives where we interact with “different” kinds of friends.  I am talking about the friends who are not the life time ones, but the ones that drift (if we are lucky) in and out. I’ve identified several categories where there have been people I have called friends at one time or another.  Not all relationships last but they happen anyway.  I use the term “friend” quiet loosely

1.  The Emotional Vampire.  Oh yes, vampires do exist!  These are the people who come into your life and expect to be the center of your world.  Only problem is they cannot reciprocate that feeling.  They go on for hours talking about themselves and their lives, sometimes not letting you get a word in.  They call you when they are in the depths of despair for your council and comfort.  But, are nowhere when you need that in return.  They make dumb decisions and ignore you when you call them on it.  They want unconditional love and acceptance and expect not to give it in return.  They literally suck the life and love out of a friendship because at some point you have nothing left to give and you feel wiped out and sometimes used by the end of this “friendship”

2.  Toxic Friends.  These are the people who would not use a positive statement in front of you to save their lives.  You think you can be a positive influence on them.  You try to point out life isn’t all bad.  Drama is something that keeps them going, and that can put you into a depression.  These people need to find the good life that there is to be found out there.  Nothing you say really phases them, but you learn to take it on the cuff.  These people can continue to be casual friends, but keeping them in your inner circle will make start thinking negatively yourself.

3.  Friends of chance.  These are the people you meet during an event, exchange emails, phone numbers.  You find a common interest and go from there.  They could be people you work with, bowl with etc.  They are people that share your friendship in very specific times and occasions.  They are supportive, but not really into your personal life.  These are ones when you ask how many friends do you have.... they will say thirty or fifty.  Realistically can you be intimate with 30 or 50 people?  I know I can’t

4.  Friends that Visit.  I say this because there are times we can become close to an individual because of trauma or need.  They are in need of comfort and relationships.  They do not intend to drift out of your life but they do.  Often it is because they have needed you for a time and after that time they feel a comfort about moving on.  These types  of friendships can be wonderful and yet painful when that someone moves on.  Take heart, you were their rock for a time when they needed it most.  These are the friends that were caterpillars that turned into butterflies.  You were meant to be together for a time (or a “visit”) to grow, walk side by side and then to move on.

5.  Inner Circle.  If you are fortunate you have an inner circle of friends which you see and speak to often.  They are the “gang” you hang with.  I belong to a gang called the “crazy 8’s”.  We love to do long weekends when we can, entertain each other, celebrate Christmas with each other etc.  I have found that the circle can usually be no more than ten  After that you cannot fully invest enough of yourself to each person to develop the kind of relationship that this entails.  We are the fun people who love each other and each other’s family.  They bring joy into your life (along with extended family)

6.  Topical Friends.  Now, I must explain this because it seems like a strange term.  Of my inner circle there are friends I am close to for specific reasons.  One because she is a childhood friend and I love her dearly.  We have been through so much and she knows every aspect of my life from a child on (the losses, the joys and the pressures).  One is actually a relative (husbands cousin wife) who has adopted me into her family and I have become one of them (which I love, having very few of my own family), one is a confidant and a rudder who advice is always sound and I respect her and care what she thinks of my life, she is a second conscience.  There are others outside the 8’s that I hold dear as well.  They are family, wives of friends, wives of my husbands friends, and that includes my mother in law.

7.  The Beginner Friend.  My hubby has the ability to assess what I call his “total friend quota”  It is pretty clearly defined by limiting the inner circle to people where he can keep up with their lives and they keep up with his.  There are some friendships beginning in our church family.  People who we feel connected to and really enjoy being with them.  These relationships are relatively new to us and they are quickly becoming near and dear.  They will  be another circle of friends.  Just not as crazy as the “Crazy 8”!

8.  Everyone else.  Daily we interact with people.  In a generic way I consider all people of value and well yes, friends.  Just not on the level of my other friends.  People at the store where you shop and they know your name.  Or the library personnel who puts a book aside for you because they think you would enjoy it.  They are people who do a kindnesses, but are  casually in your life.

Yes, we have all kinds of friends in our lives.  Today I wrote on Facebook to a young person what I thought friends were:  True, honest, trustworthy, loving, selfless, giving, kind, those are the things that tell the quality of a person, girl or boy. Okay off my soapbox now.

Young people are still finding their way through all the types of friends they have.  Often the distinction is difficult for them.  To say to someone a friend lifts you and doesn’t put you down is true, but oh, how so often young people do that.  They do not have a good sense of their own value as well.  They do not deserve to have negative people in their life, but they must try out all circumstances.  As with myself (as an adult) I have found that it has been painful at times, but I can put it into perspective.

It is true a friendship shouldn’t be painful.  It should be sustaining and loving; Uplifting and encouraging.  Anything less is not what you deserve.  Once you realize you are a person of worth and value, you begin to realize that that is the kind of person you want to surround yourself with.  Not that friends never disagree or fight.  But, it is generally in a way that is not demeaning and demoralizing.  It is without drama and hurt is NEVER intended.

Sometimes, it is not only the youth that has problems distinguishing these issues!  If you are in a relationship with someone it is good to identify what kind of relationship it is so you know the expectations. 

Giving you my “friend” breakdown...let me put it to you.... “What kind of friend are you?”